28 November, 2007


Not as encouraging as it looks

In über-liberal Sweden, a social democrat politician has opined that trafficked illegal immigrants should in future be deported whence they came rather than being patted on the head and given social housing and benefits.

Has the worm finally turned? No such luck. Göran Johansson's justification for this radically unliberal view is pricelessly, stereotypically Swedish. For people to pay a typical 100,000 kronor to be smuggled into Sweden, he reasons, is unfair on those potential immigrants who can't afford the traffickers' fee.

Allah give me strength!

(Hat-tip Brussels Journal.)


English as she is spoke

(1) Heard on the London Underground. "Due to necessary engineering works, service is suspended between Earls Court and Mansion House on the District Line." (Or whatever stations and line it actually was.)

Should this be taken to imply that TfL periodically requests unnecessary engineering works, just for the hell of it?

(2) Observed on the pump clip of a guest beer. "Tasting notes: orangey with hints of almonds and roses; dry palate; long finish" (or something very similar -- I write from befuddled memory). Who writes this pretentious crap? I've drunk Deuchars (for such it was) and it just tastes like bitter to me. Actually if I was going to say anything about Deuchars, I would comment on its unpleasantly thick texture. Like Tetley's or Sam Smith's Old Brewery. it tastes as if it contains a fine suspension of sand.

22 November, 2007


Are you troubled by improper thoughts?

I was in a boozer in the Aldgate area the other day which holds regular sausage tastings. This consists of setting out a few bowls containing slivers of posh bangers on the bar counter, with a label describing the contents of each bowl. I sampled a selection, and jolly fine they were. My enjoyment of the experience was slightly marred by the persistent nagging thought at the back of my mind, wondering whether "sausage tasting" might be homosexualist slang for some unspeakable activity that goes on at gay parties and might indeed frighten any horses present.

I hate it when you get stuck in that sort of mental groove. Like the several years I spent walking past a particular parked car each day on my way to the station and thinking that Flat Panda was a bloody strange name for a car. (Read those words carefully, just as I didn't think to read the name on the back of the car carefully.)

16 November, 2007


...and don't frighten the horses

More time-wasting bollocks from the criminal justice system.

Man has sex with bicycle and is placed on sex offenders' register.

Apart from the mind-boggling question of precisely how you have sex with a bicycle (or where do you push with a pushbike?), what is the point of this prosecution? Does the magistrate perhaps believe that other wheeled objects are in danger from this man? If he assaulted a baby buggy would he have been regarded as a paedophile. There are other issues. Was the sex consensual? Was it a male or a female bike? Is rape or buggery at issue?

Mind you, I like his defence
Stewart had denied the offence, claiming it was caused by a misunderstanding after he had too much to drink.
I must admit to having occasionally overimbibed during my misspent youth, but I have definitely never confused a bicycle with a woman.

07 November, 2007


Ambiguous sentence of the day

From an item in today's Currant Bun about a driving instructor with a penchant for a spot of amateur gropery on the side
Teesside Crown Court heard Cooney showed another female pupil close-up photos of his manhood, which he kept in his glovebox.
Fair makes your eyes water, the very thought. I suppose that's why he had a 12-inch carrot in his trousers.

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