11 February, 2012
The oozlum bird has an idea
But football is demanding attention again, for strange and, to be frank, increasingly entertaining reasons. Luis "Dago Boy" Suárez and Patrice "Negrito" Evra met on the field of play again today. Suárez refused to shake Evra's hand, then (Rio) Ferdinand refused to shake Suárez' hand, then Dalglish and Ferguson had a fist fight. (No, I admit it, I made that last bit up. But the players did have a bit of a dust-up after the game.)
Business as usual then. But what makes this worth writing about is that a Man U. fanzine has published a cut-out Ku Klux Klan-stylee mask for supporters to wear in order to annoy Suárez and the Liverpool fans.
And the Old Bill are seizing the magazines and speaking darkly of racially-aggravated public order offences.
(Daily Mail and Casuals United.)
You're not going to put this genie back in the bottle, lads, and there aren't enough prison places for every football supporter in the country.
The oozlum bird has a suggestion, and I commend it to you. Since Black and White players (and their supporters) are quite clearly unable to play nicely together, why not set up two separate professional football leagues, one for Black players (and Black supporters) and one for Whites? That way you won't get all this nasty name-calling and those jolly japes that seem to worry you so much.
Now I appreciate that there are some folks of, er, multiple heritage. So I recommend that a tribunal be set up, consisting of Hugh Muir and Joseph Harker, to resolve any classification difficulties.
Tee hee, innit.
Piara "Holier than thou" Powar calls fellow wog a coconut.
Excuse me, I'm just popping out to buy some more popcorn.
* What's that you say? It's mandatory for any English male to support a football team. Oh alright. Choose one of:
— Oldham Athletic. Closest league ground to where I was born and raised.
— Charlton Athletic. Closest league ground to where I live now.
— Manchester City, 'cos I was born in Manchester, I'm not a Catholic and I'm old enough to remember when that mattered.
I'm really not bothered which one. Honest.
Too late! I bought Asda's entire stock! :D
Funny that didn't seem to be a worry in the riots when plod stood back and let the enrichers rage on?
But then that was common or garden criminality, not heinous thought crime.
Now, I accept these were young men and at the same time were loud Lahnderners, which explains a lot) but they were convinced that this new player, coming from Spurs, was a Yid.
The longer they debated, the more they convinced themselves he had to be Jewish, though they never used that word.
Had these lads been overheard by the authorities now, they may have been arrested for breaking innumerable rules of correct thinking... and this was before they got round to calling the ref a 'black bastard' because, er, he was wearing the old refs colours of black with white trim.
On reflection, perhaps Yids aren't included much in the race hate laws. In which case, perhaps the authorities will help us and publish a list of the most protected ethnic groups. Like a league table, if you will, so we all know what's best for us.