Dogwash

As I may have mentioned before, my attitude to homosexualist activities is largely one of indifference. I am not particularly exercised about it, nor do I wish to celebrate it or have it celebrated in front of me. As Mrs Patrick Campbell expressed it, "... as long as they don't do it in the street and frighten the horses". If you want to hold gay pride marches through Soho, then I won't be calling for you to be horsewhipped or strung up from the nearest lamppost. On the other hand, I may laugh mockingly at your exhibitionistic self-importance.

And now for some news from our horse-frightening correspondent,

Gay couple 'removed from Soho pub for kissing'

As regular readers will be entirely unsurprised to learn, I happen to know the John Snow. Purely in connection with my ongoing sociological research project into London pub culture, of course. It is a small Sam Smith's pub in Broadwick Street. Smaller than it looks, in fact. Although it is rather awkwardly partitioned into three traditional "rooms", there are no secluded corners available which are suitable for discreet dalliance. The clientele is mixed, with young middle class media types, older manual workers and retired folk from nearby social housing attracted by the startlingly low prices. (If you want a cheapish pub drink in central London, go to a Wetherspoon. If you're too skint even to indulge in industrialized drinking in the Church of St Tim, find yourself a Sam's pub.)

Precisely what "kissing" amounted to in this case is not absolutely clear from the BBC report. Attitudes vary: one man's peck on the cheek is another man's Roman orgy. As far as the John Snow is concerned, it doesn't strike me as the as the sort of place where snogging would be welcome. From my relatively limited experience of the place, a perfunctory greeting or parting kiss between a heterosexual couple would be as far as it goes. A full mutual anatomical exploration session would get a bucket of water thrown over you.

Which is fine by me. There are accepted conventions in these matters. Should it make a difference that it was a "gay" couple? I don't see why not, to be honest. It's a very mainstream straight pub. It has its own respectable straight mainstream standards. If I were to indulge in the strange White male habit of wandering round without a shirt on as soon as the sun comes out for more than five minutes and called in at the John Snow for a bevvy, I rather expect I'd be told where to go in very clear language. And if the punters or the guvnor are not keen on gay snogging in the snug, then fair enough. I don't think a formal notice specifying the maximum tolerated depth of tongue penetratrion is absolutely necessary.

To the gaggle of limp-wristed offendees who stood outside chanting, "We're here, we're queer, we won't buy your beer", I can only say, fair enough, fuck off down the Duncan then. Or Compton's. Or G·A·Y. Or any of the Ku bars. All places I probably wouldn't even get served in, even I if wanted to be.

What makes this non-event worth writing about at all is the traditional overreaction:

• It was reported in the main news on Radio 4 and, FFS, on the World Service yesterday evening and this morning.
• The police have become involved.

So a brace of shirtlifters is shown the door at a Soho pub. The West End division of the League of Ships' Marys duly flounces up to hold a mass pout-in. Inspector Knacker takes an interest and the outrage is reported on the national radio news.

The EDL goes to Blackburn to demonstrate about the large-scale grooming and pimping of young White girls by "Asian" criminals, and also (for the benefit those Righteous commentators who were incredulously puzzled by the EDL's apparent interest in road safety) about the unwillingness of the police to prosecute dangerous driving and other serious vehicular offences when the perp is one of the Brown community. Nary a peep from the Beeb. Casuals United demonstrate outside the home of the Charleneburger in Blackpool. No interest. (As a matter of technical curiosity, is long pig halal?)

Bollocks.

Just as well these two lads weren't Black as well. Otherwise the landlord of the John Snow would have been in Belmarsh by now and the pub demolished.


Ah, that's better, I needed that. (© Ken Dodd.)



Update (09:40)

Now CiF is on the case. 450 comments in 12 hours. 12 hours overnight, that is; do these people never sleep. Well, fuck me with a rusty scruting probe smeared with pig fat, we've certainly got our priorities right, haven't we?

Mind you, I quite like this comment,

Spoutwell
15 April 2011 10:20PM

I was followed into the gents by the barman in a pub on buckingham palace road when a lady whom I'd just met tried to join me there.

'You can't do that in here', he said.

Do I get my own article on Cif?

Unfortunately I forgot to shake with rage. We were too busy heading for the nearest park.

So which pub on the Buckingham Palace Road was that then, Spoutwell? Purely out of academic interest, of course.