23 January, 2011


Your attention please...

Please mind the gap between the platform and the train.

When leaving the train, please remember to take all your personal belongings with you.

Please do not leave unattended items of luggage in the train or on the station.

Due to today's wet weather, please take extra care when walking on the platform. Surfaces may be slippery.

For your safety and security, this station is under 24-hour recorded CCTV surveillance.

The station is a dangerous place. Please keep children with you at all times.

Dogs must be carried. (Eh?)



Customers are requested not to vandalize the PA equipment in frustration at all the pointless service, security and safety announcements. We shall be very cross if you persist.

And no, we don't know when the next train will leave.

You forgot to add the obligatory in every annoucement

"There is strictly no smoking in the station"

Strictly No Smoking sounds like a good title for a television programme. I shall get my creative chappies working up a format at once. Perhaps, the first one to crack and light up has to make love to Ann Widdecombe. No, maybe not; a bit too extreme for family viewing.

Curious how quickly the culture has changed. I remember attending an international conference in the Hague about 20 years ago. (That sounds rather grand, doesn't it? I was actually there as a support monkey for the UK delegation.) On offer in the coffee-break area, as well as tea, coffee and nibbles, there were little piles of cigarettes and small cigars.

[smug schoolmistressy voice] Unattended items may be liquidated without warning. Like your train.

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